I finally had the review of my “neuropsychological evaluation,” the test that identifies what parts of my brain were most affected from the encephalitis. When I left the neuropsychologist’s office, I cried. And cried some more. It finally hit home that I have a brain injury. It happened. Why I have been able to write about my experiences but not truly internalize that this brain injury is real, I am not sure.
The report is very clinical with complicated phrasing like “impacted white matter connectivity” and yet, it’s achingly personal because it shines a light on how I think and reason. Like the good student I have always been, I was excited to see high numbers in areas that I know are strengths of mine. And I have enough self-awareness to recognize that a brain injury isn’t going to affect how I do on visual puzzles. I have seventh-grade geometry to remind me of that. What tore me up though was the summary of the damaged areas followed by the phrase, “these results are severely discrepant with her intellectual profile.”
It stuns me. There’s broken bits inside my brain. I remind myself that this is a point-in-time result, not an indication of my future. I am still healing.
People have asked me how I keep going. Sometimes they even say, “I couldn’t do it if I were in your shoes.” I don’t find that motivating. I only know that I have to take a step forward and another step. There are hard days, difficult moments and lonely experiences. But without fail, I have always found something sunshiny, a spot of joy or laughter to fuel me for another day.
Cartoon courtesy of Dharma Comics
Sometimes I find the sunshine myself, sometimes it shows up in unexpected ways like silly GIFs that my app-obsessed aunt texts me.
Yesterday, the sunshine found me. I opened a card from my mom that I had saved for a rough day (coping strategy in play right there!) and it read, “If it’s true that adversity builds character… your character’s been getting quite a workout lately!” She also included this bible verse, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be scared; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
It’s true, I’ve felt surrounded by love every step of the way. I wouldn’t have known that I could survive something like this but I am doing it each day, one step at a time. Hopefully with love and grace…